Awe...

My heart was first open to adoption as I stumbled upon adoption blogs.  On each blog I found there were stories of traveling to pick up a child that needed a home.  I would check in each day and even each hour on the Gotcha Days.  I would cry tears for people I had never met, and I would root for them while sitting in my pj's, in front of my computer, halfway around the world.

With each journey I followed, each family eventually returned home.....  and I would still check their blog each day.  But each and every time, they would leave me hanging.  There would seldom be a follow up, and if I was lucky I could see a picture of the sweet little one who stole a piece of my heart.

Well, now I get it.  It is nearly seven months after bringing Finley home, and I have joined the ranks of all those who have gone before me.

Life has gone on, Finley has adjusted so very well, and there have been many moments deserving of a blog post.

The truth is, however, the fog of what the last year has held for our Party of Five is just lifting.

The truth is that the last seven months have held equal parts indescribable joy and deep grieving. Someday, I hope to write more about each, but for now, I think both the joy and grief need to rest in our hearts as we continue to explore all that they mean.

Today, however, I felt the need to write.

To write for Gibson and Elliott and Finley and anyone else who is called to our story.

Today, these two, who were born only 3 days apart on two separate continents, found themselves running around together, laughing and playing together, and calling each other's names.

And, I found myself in complete AWE... the only word that comes close to encompassing God's grace and His plan.

There I sat, with two pretty cool two year old's, as they had conversations about my "coppee" as they said, please and thank you, as they laughed big belly laughs, and ran to each of their Mama's at the end of the morning.

These two already have such deep stories, stories of abandonment and heartache ..... but God made it clear this morning and over the last seven months that He is redeeming these two stories, and that He has been since the beginning.

Post Traumatic Adoption Disorder (P)TAD

I keep having a recurring dream that I am in algebra class and I keep failing.  No matter what I do, I cannot figure out what n equals...

In my dream, I am carrying around a huge, disheveled folder that is overflowing with papers.  Crumpled papers, some upside down, and some with coffee stains.

Each night as I rush to my class, I drop the folder and papers tumble everywhere.

My hands cannot move fast enough as I try to collect the massive mess.

In my dream, it is hot, the world seems to be closing in on me, and I am always late.

I am constantly forgetting assignments and reminded each minute that I am failing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Each morning when I wake up from this awful dream, I take a deep breath, give myself a little pep talk and repeat,

 'I can do hard things!'

The long wait for Finley is over, but the next chapter has begun.

While we were all waiting and waiting and waiting for Finley, a term was coined to describe the waiting me.  The term was TAD (Traumatic Adoption Disorder)

You see, with TAD, a waiting mother can have symptoms ranging from forgetfulness, night sweats, bizarre medical issues, wild mood swings, lack of focus, no appetite and so much more.  I would go on to explain it, but this blogger explained it better than I ever could.

Now that Finley is home, I can now say that I have moved from TAD to (P)TAD, (Post Traumatic Adoption Disorder)

Things you should know about your friend with (P)TAD

1. She Still Loves You

You have walked with her through four years of adoption drama, heartbreak and celebration, and now she seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth.  When she would instantly return a text or a message before, she is now taking a couple of days to get back to you or possibly not even getting back to you at all.  Please forgive her and text her again....She still loves you..... see #2

2. Her Mind is Mush

Your friend, while at one time held down a full time job and seemed to have it all together, can no longer hold a thought in her mind for more than a minute.  She has just spent way too much time in another country, in another time zone and has spent over 50 hours on an airplane....  12 of them with a toddler.  She is adjusting to her new life and has trouble recalling proper verb tenses in her everyday speech, let alone her daily schedule. So, if she seems like she isn't all there when you are talking to her, or doesn't remember that she already told you something, just nod and smile..... And pray that it passes.

3. She is Tired

Four long years of angst, tears, and tireless fighting have come to a close. Your friend is trying to recover from the most emotional roller coaster ride of her life while at the same time keeping up with a two year old. Long story short, your friend never had anytime to recover from the first roller coaster before jumping on the next one, and that has left her tired to her bones.

4. She is Adjusting

A new child, (little person with a huge personality) just walked (literally) into her home, and has changed the entire dynamic of her family.  This new little person has already brought so much joy and laughter, but is still new.  It is just like bringing a baby home from the hospital, except for the fact that this new addition doesn't sleep all day and can already walk, talk and get into everything. It is safe to say that adjusting is an understatement and each day your friend makes it to bedtime it is a minor miracle.

5. Her Heart Still Aches

While your friend is finally holding her long awaited baby in her lap, she is now comforting her new daughter as her heart breaks.  You see, as much as your friend wanted to bring her baby home, she knew that in order to do that her new child would have to suffer a great loss, and nothing breaks a mama's heart more than to see her child's heart breaking.  And while her littlest is grieving, her older children are grieving too.... they are grieving the loss of their normal, the loss of your friend's constant attention, and this breaks your friend's heart just as much.

6. She Feels Like She is Failing *see recurring Algebra dream above

While parenting over the span of eight years, your friend felt like while she lost a lot, she also won some in the game of parenting.  Albeit, her children and her mothering were never perfect, she did feel like she had things under control (for the most part...) and every so often gave herself a pat on the back.  Now, she is the mother to three, it is summer vacation, and she feels like any calm and order that may have been in her home before is nothing but a distant memory.  She can't keep the house clean, making dinner is no small feat, and one of her children is usually in need of something at all times.....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

If any of this sounds familiar, you may have friend who is suffering from (P)TAD, and if you have a friend suffering from (P)TAD you deserve a Friend of the Year award!  Not only did your friend survive one roller coaster just to jump on another one, so did YOU.  Your friend thinks the world of you and would be in much worse shape if you weren't in her life.

One day, your friend hopes this is all a distant memory that the two of you can chat about over coffee, while laughing at the absurdity of it all, but for now she wants to thank you for loving her even when she doesn't have much to give you in return.  Your love means the world to her and she is thankful for you.


Sincerely,
Theresa

happy.

The boys have been spending lots of time in their fort lately. 

 

They say it is to trade cards, watch a movie, or read books; but if I were to guess their secret, I think they are spending so much time in there to get away from the new two year old in their lives.

 

The last three weeks have been filled to the brim with change, both welcomed and unwelcomed.

 

We have all been wading through the brutiful journey of bringing Finley home, and it has all of us sorting through our new normal... one secret{a new tradition of telling what is truly on our hearts} at a time.

 

This morning, I found this......

 

Gibson, Elliott and Finley all playing together in the fort.

 



They were enjoying each other,

and acting all shades of goofy.

 

Each one of my kids was happy.



and, so was I.

Gotcha Day and Beyond.

Finley is here!

I am sitting next to her as she sleeps soundly in our bed.

Her lips are pursed, perfectly closed.  One hand is on her Daddy's arm, and her little feet are crossed.

I am pinching myself that she is truly ours.

I keep looking at her in awe, trying to capture every last bit of her.  

I look at her little nose, her gorgeous black hair, tiny little fingernails and just thank God for her.

She has struggled the last two days, crying big crocodile tears and silently weeping.

Each time she lets us comfort her, but as she goes to the door, searching for her Oma, her little heart is just breaking.

Each time she woke up with us she wept again, realizing that she wasn't dreaming, that her life is now different.

Yesterday, we celebrated her first wake up that included a great big smile.

Each day she smiles more, gives us longer kisses, and holds us in a new way.

The wait was long.

The pain often seemed unbearable.

But, as I write this, on this beautiful morning in Seoul, I wonder...

Why us??

How did we get so lucky?

Why, out of all of the people in this world, were we chosen to for this journey?

The answers to this, we will never know on this side of heaven, but for now, I will sit in AWE of God's great plan for our Party of Five.

For I would not trade an ounce of brutal for the beautiful that was laced throughout and that is now before me.

.......................................................

Gibson and Elliott,

You have been so brave throughout this entire journey.  The smile on your faces as you met your baby sister last night made my mama's heart so proud.  You both are such amazing big brothers, and Finley loves you already.  The picture she carries around of her brudders, is crinkled and worn...showing just how much you mean to her.

Here are some pictures of your baby sister.  She reminds us of both of you, in so many different ways!

We love you to Seoul and back!

Mama, Daddy and Finley

........................................................

We were blessed to meet Finley's sponsor.  A Korean adoptee from Indiana.

Finley's foster mom giving us many, many treasures of Finley's two years with her.

This little boy is Finley's best friend.

Finley's two moms.

Finley's last check up.  She is one healthy girl.

Saying bye-bye to all of her friends.

Gibson and Elliott, hold onto your hats, because you have one little girl headed your way.

A painful goodbye.........

that got even more painful.....

A long sleep after a rough day.

Finally some precious Finley smiles. 

Someone loves her Opa!

And.... we're headed out.  We all needed some fresh air!

She just melts my heart.

over and over again.

Two tired girls.

And, after a good nap, we are starting to see our happy Finley Grace.

Gibson and Elliott.... she stole my coke!!!

Somebody thought she was ready for the pool... until she got there...

A glimpse of pure joy!

Gotcha Day Eve

When I was pregnant with Gibson I measured time by the expiration date on the milk jug.

Each week, as I would do my grocery shopping, I would check the gallon of milk I was buying relieved that the expiration date was well before my January 8th due date.

Then, as life always does, time marched on and one day the milk jug read, Jan 08 '05.

I remember looking around the store that day, saying to myself,

 It's okay Theresa.  Look around, everyone here has a mother, they were all born.  It is going to be okay.  You can do this.  You have to do this.

I was terrified.

I had never given birth before.  I had no idea how to be a mom.

And, before January 8th ever made it's appearance, I had done it.

I had given birth.

I was a mom.

It was not how I had planned it, but it happened, and my life had more depth and meaning than it had ever had before.

Now, eight and a half years later, on the eve of Finley's gotcha day, I sit with those same feelings I felt in the grocery store so many years ago.

My heart is heavy. I am scared, nervous about what tomorrow is going to bring.

I spent most of dinner crying, unable to eat.

You see, tomorrow isn't like the childbirth I experienced for the first time so many years ago.

Tomorrow won't just be about me and Steve and our new baby.

Tomorrow is about me and Steve and Gibson and Elliott.  It's about Finley.  It's about her foster mom and her foster dad and her entire foster family.  It's about her birth mother.  It's about life and loss, brokenness and redemption.

It is about a room full of people who have loved Finley with their whole hearts and will all have experienced great loss.

Tomorrow, instead of being a day of pure joy and celebration, will be a day of immense grief.

Tonight, Finley's foster mom is tucking her in for the last time.

I would rather endure seventeen hours of labor with pitocin and no epidural, than have her experience that heartache.

But, the thing about living in this broken world is that I can't.  I can't take away the pain, the hurt.

The only thing I can do is step into it.

And, that is exactly what I will do.  I will step into the grief and the heartache of tomorrow knowing that in order for healing to begin, the deep sadness must be felt, wrestled with and sat in.

I will hold my daughter tightly, praying that one day when I tell her this part of her story, she will know she was chosen and loved.... by each and every person in that room.

More Than The Eye Can Hold

It seems that many of life's most important moments often seem a blur.

That hind sight isn't 20/20, and as much as we try capture the memories of these moments, they are fleeting.

It was only seventeen days ago that we met Finley Grace for the first time.

While our memories are still fresh, our time with her was a blur.

Until today.

Today, we received a priceless gift from another adoptive mama, who without our knowing, was snapping pictures of our first moments with our Finley Grace.

A stranger, who knew that the scene playing out before her, was bigger than our eyes could hold.

A stranger, who captured these magical moments through her lens.

A view we will cherish forever, for they tell the story of the first time we laid eyes on our daughter...

Amanda.

THANK YOU!

Isn't it amazing how a person who was once a stranger, can suddenly, without warning, mean the world to you.

~unknown

Korea Outtakes.....

You say my husband looks dapper in his tie? Truth be told, it isn't his tie and the shoes he is wearing are not his either...... They are the accessories of the General Manager of our hotel ... long story....

Kalen....the little boy who first bonded us to Finley by playing soccer with her.

A picture taken by Finley girl.

Our first Korean meal on the floor.

It looks like we have a budding photographer on our hands.

So thankful for face time with these goofy kids.

Yes, blogger stinks in Korea too.

Yep, a baby octopus.

Another Finley pic.

Please note first picture.... the hunt for a size 11 shoe in Korea almost put me over the edge.

After Steve's relentless pursuit, I agreed to try on this dress.... as she pulled out the dressing room I told Steve he owed me one.... please note security camera above....

We even got to watch baseball in Korea!



Wohoo, Elliott hit a single.

And what do you know.... we even got a morning call from Bruno.

Moose ears, what else would you do on day 9 of face time?

Have I mentioned I think older Koreans are just about as cute as little Koreans? This gentleman reminded me of my Grandpa.

While in Asia, play ping pong...
Steve 1 - Theresa 1
{there is something to be said for slow and steady wins the race}

Let it be known that Korean chopsticks are NOT the same as American chopsticks. I finally found a pair that kept me from eating my entire meal with a spoon.

Yes, every Korean meal comes with all of these fixings.
*Please note cute older gentleman in the background....the true reason for the picture?
Maybe.

Korea......until we meet again.