Post Traumatic Adoption Disorder (P)TAD

I keep having a recurring dream that I am in algebra class and I keep failing.  No matter what I do, I cannot figure out what n equals...

In my dream, I am carrying around a huge, disheveled folder that is overflowing with papers.  Crumpled papers, some upside down, and some with coffee stains.

Each night as I rush to my class, I drop the folder and papers tumble everywhere.

My hands cannot move fast enough as I try to collect the massive mess.

In my dream, it is hot, the world seems to be closing in on me, and I am always late.

I am constantly forgetting assignments and reminded each minute that I am failing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Each morning when I wake up from this awful dream, I take a deep breath, give myself a little pep talk and repeat,

 'I can do hard things!'

The long wait for Finley is over, but the next chapter has begun.

While we were all waiting and waiting and waiting for Finley, a term was coined to describe the waiting me.  The term was TAD (Traumatic Adoption Disorder)

You see, with TAD, a waiting mother can have symptoms ranging from forgetfulness, night sweats, bizarre medical issues, wild mood swings, lack of focus, no appetite and so much more.  I would go on to explain it, but this blogger explained it better than I ever could.

Now that Finley is home, I can now say that I have moved from TAD to (P)TAD, (Post Traumatic Adoption Disorder)

Things you should know about your friend with (P)TAD

1. She Still Loves You

You have walked with her through four years of adoption drama, heartbreak and celebration, and now she seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth.  When she would instantly return a text or a message before, she is now taking a couple of days to get back to you or possibly not even getting back to you at all.  Please forgive her and text her again....She still loves you..... see #2

2. Her Mind is Mush

Your friend, while at one time held down a full time job and seemed to have it all together, can no longer hold a thought in her mind for more than a minute.  She has just spent way too much time in another country, in another time zone and has spent over 50 hours on an airplane....  12 of them with a toddler.  She is adjusting to her new life and has trouble recalling proper verb tenses in her everyday speech, let alone her daily schedule. So, if she seems like she isn't all there when you are talking to her, or doesn't remember that she already told you something, just nod and smile..... And pray that it passes.

3. She is Tired

Four long years of angst, tears, and tireless fighting have come to a close. Your friend is trying to recover from the most emotional roller coaster ride of her life while at the same time keeping up with a two year old. Long story short, your friend never had anytime to recover from the first roller coaster before jumping on the next one, and that has left her tired to her bones.

4. She is Adjusting

A new child, (little person with a huge personality) just walked (literally) into her home, and has changed the entire dynamic of her family.  This new little person has already brought so much joy and laughter, but is still new.  It is just like bringing a baby home from the hospital, except for the fact that this new addition doesn't sleep all day and can already walk, talk and get into everything. It is safe to say that adjusting is an understatement and each day your friend makes it to bedtime it is a minor miracle.

5. Her Heart Still Aches

While your friend is finally holding her long awaited baby in her lap, she is now comforting her new daughter as her heart breaks.  You see, as much as your friend wanted to bring her baby home, she knew that in order to do that her new child would have to suffer a great loss, and nothing breaks a mama's heart more than to see her child's heart breaking.  And while her littlest is grieving, her older children are grieving too.... they are grieving the loss of their normal, the loss of your friend's constant attention, and this breaks your friend's heart just as much.

6. She Feels Like She is Failing *see recurring Algebra dream above

While parenting over the span of eight years, your friend felt like while she lost a lot, she also won some in the game of parenting.  Albeit, her children and her mothering were never perfect, she did feel like she had things under control (for the most part...) and every so often gave herself a pat on the back.  Now, she is the mother to three, it is summer vacation, and she feels like any calm and order that may have been in her home before is nothing but a distant memory.  She can't keep the house clean, making dinner is no small feat, and one of her children is usually in need of something at all times.....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

If any of this sounds familiar, you may have friend who is suffering from (P)TAD, and if you have a friend suffering from (P)TAD you deserve a Friend of the Year award!  Not only did your friend survive one roller coaster just to jump on another one, so did YOU.  Your friend thinks the world of you and would be in much worse shape if you weren't in her life.

One day, your friend hopes this is all a distant memory that the two of you can chat about over coffee, while laughing at the absurdity of it all, but for now she wants to thank you for loving her even when she doesn't have much to give you in return.  Your love means the world to her and she is thankful for you.


Sincerely,
Theresa

Thoughts of a Recovering Perfectionist

I used to have it all together, or at least I pretended to have it all together.  I was a perfectionist who agonized over every little detail.  I would spend hours upon hours in my classroom. If we had guest coming to our house, I would clean every nook and cranny until it was spotless.  When people asked me how I was doing, Great, how are you, would be my go to response. 

In all reality, however, I was light years away from having it all together.  I would beat myself up because in my skewed perception, I thought  everyone  else  did  have it all together.  Other's classrooms were perfect, their homes were always immaculate, and they were always great.

How did they do it?  How were they so perfect?

Fast forward six years.  Now in my thirties, having two spirited boys, and being much more wise than that naive young woman I once was, I realize that nobody has it all together. 

Who was I kidding?

On most days I am lucky if  I can keep the kitchen clean for a straight 4 hours, put mascara on, and actually shower in the morning.

As a matter of fact, just yesterday I showed up at a park play date with two different shoes on.  Yes, that is correct.  The mom with a 6 and a 4 year old, who dress, buckle,  and pretty much take care of themselves, walked out the door, drove all the way to the park and realized several minutes after arriving that she had two different shoes on.  Seriously?

All this to say, I wish I would have known then what I know now.

Lessons learned on my journey?  Nobody is perfect. There is not one person who has it all together.  People find comfort in your transpareny, and when you show up at a park with two different shoes on, laugh at yourself and own it.  You've earned it.

Waiting

W aiting. Waiting. Just the sound of the word conjures up a feeling of anxiety deep within me. Waiting has never been something I am good at. To pause, to give up control, to wait?  Who can do that well?  Not me. 

Yet, here in this moment, we wait. We wait, as we have waited for the nineteen months before this one. We wait, next on the list, to see the child God has chosen for us. 

And as we wait, we are realizing how God is using this little one, this long pause in our lives, to stretch us, our faith, in ways we didn't think possible. 

Truth be told, there are days when my heart just aches. Days when I ask why?  Why did we choose this? What were we thinking?  This is too hard.  There is too much at risk.  What if?
But with each doubt, God gently reminds us that we didn't choose this.  He chose this.  And, He knows exactly why He has chosen this journey for us, and that He ordained it long, long ago. 

And each time satan tries to edge his way in, God's love prevails with a note, an amazing adoption story, or someone who asks how my heart is doing. The sheer fact that people haven't forgotten and want to know about our baby brings me to tears each time.  I cannot count the times I have wept, saying the same thing, during prayer request time, and still our small group listens as if it is the first time.  This outpouring of love that we have received from our family and friends has been a blessing to us and a reminder of God's love.

The following is a note sent to me from a parent and now friend of mine who expressed so eloquently all that waiting is...

This is such a time of deep grief, and such a loneliness that few understand. The longing of a heart for an unknown face and an unnamed child is not easily grasped. It is a deep hole, and incompleteness that grows daily. Know that God has purpose in your waiting. In the hole he is letting form. Understand that a great glory can come from a mama in pain that chooses to trust with tears. Feel Theresa, share it, and let your kids know….. there are valuable life lessons taught in your weakness. Though they are humbling they are a powerful tool that will shape your boys in ways we do not know. I am confident of his good work in your heart to be weak well. That being said, I do know that pain, it is great, and it can threaten to undo us…. I took great comfort in the Garden when Christ sat wrestling with the path of God’s choosing… love spurred on his movement from that Garden to the cross… love will spur you on too….

So once again I ask, who can wait well? And now I know. Me.  I will wait well.  I can wait well.  I will be weak well and Glorify God in my weakness. And although it may not always be beautiful, I will wait upon the Lord trusting Him with each tear shed.

And on this Mother's day I pray for our little one's birth mother, and I pray for our little one's foster mother.  And I pray, that our baby is waking up to lots of love each morning and going to bed with snuggles each night, as he or she waits for us to bring them home.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.  And as we wait may love spur you on.