The Story Behind the Smiles

The recent passing of Robin Williams has left the world in shock.

There have been so many people putting words to the loss, and the cause of the loss this week. Glennon, Anne, Nish and so many more have used their voices in profound ways moving everyone to think from a deeper place in their hearts.

I am not writing to add another voice, but to share my story.

I am an open book. For those who know me, know the good, bad and ugly that is laced throughout my being.

I am writing this for those who only know the social media Theresa.

I am here to put words to my depression story... To put some context to smiles you often see on your screen, and to let you know that there is no shame in struggling, in needing help, and being sad.

As a 7 year old girl, I remember sitting by the front window of my house at the exact time my dad was expected to come home from work.

I would sit, with a pit in my stomach, as each car passed on our busy road that wasn't my dad's. As each car passed my worry would intensify. My thoughts would wander to the possible car crash my dad was in, and certainty he would never come home.

This snapshot is just a glimpse into the anxiety that has been present throughout my life.

As I got older and became a mother, the anxiety intensified and the depression set in. I always prided myself in being smart and beat myself up for not being able to control my profound darkness.

There had to be a 10 step plan, right?

There wasn't. There still isn't.

While in the middle of our long adoption journey, when I felt that I could no longer breathe, put one foot in front of another, or bear to face another day, I set my shame aside and began taking an anti-depressant.

It wasn't instant, but eventually I began to fully breath for the first time in my life. I wasn't letting fear manage my days, and I felt truly at peace. I had energy because I was no longer battling the darkness all day, and my family finally got the fully present mom that had always deserved.

I still take my Celexa everyday and have no plans of ever stopping.

As heartbreaking as this week has been, God's redemptive plan has already proven beautiful.

Please remember to be kind. I have been on both sides of kindness and know that for someone fighting a battle of depression your kindness may mean the world.

Much love,
Theresa