Waiting

W aiting. Waiting. Just the sound of the word conjures up a feeling of anxiety deep within me. Waiting has never been something I am good at. To pause, to give up control, to wait?  Who can do that well?  Not me. 

Yet, here in this moment, we wait. We wait, as we have waited for the nineteen months before this one. We wait, next on the list, to see the child God has chosen for us. 

And as we wait, we are realizing how God is using this little one, this long pause in our lives, to stretch us, our faith, in ways we didn't think possible. 

Truth be told, there are days when my heart just aches. Days when I ask why?  Why did we choose this? What were we thinking?  This is too hard.  There is too much at risk.  What if?
But with each doubt, God gently reminds us that we didn't choose this.  He chose this.  And, He knows exactly why He has chosen this journey for us, and that He ordained it long, long ago. 

And each time satan tries to edge his way in, God's love prevails with a note, an amazing adoption story, or someone who asks how my heart is doing. The sheer fact that people haven't forgotten and want to know about our baby brings me to tears each time.  I cannot count the times I have wept, saying the same thing, during prayer request time, and still our small group listens as if it is the first time.  This outpouring of love that we have received from our family and friends has been a blessing to us and a reminder of God's love.

The following is a note sent to me from a parent and now friend of mine who expressed so eloquently all that waiting is...

This is such a time of deep grief, and such a loneliness that few understand. The longing of a heart for an unknown face and an unnamed child is not easily grasped. It is a deep hole, and incompleteness that grows daily. Know that God has purpose in your waiting. In the hole he is letting form. Understand that a great glory can come from a mama in pain that chooses to trust with tears. Feel Theresa, share it, and let your kids know….. there are valuable life lessons taught in your weakness. Though they are humbling they are a powerful tool that will shape your boys in ways we do not know. I am confident of his good work in your heart to be weak well. That being said, I do know that pain, it is great, and it can threaten to undo us…. I took great comfort in the Garden when Christ sat wrestling with the path of God’s choosing… love spurred on his movement from that Garden to the cross… love will spur you on too….

So once again I ask, who can wait well? And now I know. Me.  I will wait well.  I can wait well.  I will be weak well and Glorify God in my weakness. And although it may not always be beautiful, I will wait upon the Lord trusting Him with each tear shed.

And on this Mother's day I pray for our little one's birth mother, and I pray for our little one's foster mother.  And I pray, that our baby is waking up to lots of love each morning and going to bed with snuggles each night, as he or she waits for us to bring them home.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.  And as we wait may love spur you on.