ep...

ep: emigration permit

In the world of Korean adoptions, an EP is the coveted document that means the final leg of your journey has finally come.

Previously, after a family had an EP, their child was then scheduled for their visa/medical appointment and they were finally eligible for a travel call.

Now, since the passing of the new law, {stating that international adoptions will now be finalized in Korea} after a family receives an EP, their child will be scheduled for a visa/medical appointment and the rest is still a mystery.

It has now been over 14 months since we first laid eyes on our beautiful Finley girl.  It was love at first sight, we were filled with optimism and hope, and we were told the estimated travel time would be in 4-6 months.

After waiting 28 months to meet her, 4-6 months seemed like a cake walk.  She would be just over a year old, it would be spring/summer, and the boys would have their new little sister to follow them around on all of their adventures.

With great anticipation, Steve and I dreamed about the day we would get the call that we had an EP.

We planned to call all of our closest family and friends and have an impromptu EP party.  We had been saving a bottle of our favorite Cab from 45 North, and planned to uncork it on this much anticipated day.  There would be singing and dancing and smiles all around, all while Christina Perri's A Thousand Miles would be playing in the background {I often imagine my life as a Hallmark movie......}

Two weeks ago, the much anticipated day had finally arrived.  As I laid in bed checking my morning emails, I saw that we had an update and that we had finally been granted our EP.

I immediately called Steve, only to get his voicemail, several times in a row.

I then texted my soulsister.

She immediately called me and I, immediately began sobbing....and could not stop.  The feeling of elation I had anticipated was instead a feeling of immense grief.

A grief that I could not explain, but only felt in the depth of my soul.

We were now one step closer, yet still so far away.

Instead of crying tears of joy, I was crying tear of agony, pain and longing.

Our baby girl is no longer a baby but soon to be a toddler.

The dreams of holding her as an infant were only a dream and will never be a reality.

We celebrated here first birthday without her in our arms, and now as her second birthday approaches, my heart aches to think of one more birthday without her.

The bottle of cab still sits in the cupboard.

There was no impromptu party.

No dancing or smiles all around.

Instead, we are weary to our bones,

Our hearts ache ever more.

And, the true celebration seems still so far away.

Finley girl,

Darling, don't be afraid

I have loved you for a thousand years

and I will love you for a thousand more!

One step closer.....

                             ~A Thousand Miles