fearless

today was gibson's follow up appointment for his adrenal suppression. today was the day that we were going to find out if his body was healing or if a greater medical issue was underlying his inability to produce cortisol. today was the day i had been dreading for the past three months.

in february we were told that due to gibson's long term use of steroids to control his asthma, his body was not making its own cortisol steriod, which can be life threatening if not managed properly. needless to say we were stunned and concerned, and although our peditrician and pulmonologist reassured us that they believed this new found adrenal suppresion and asthma medications were directly related, we found very little comfort when they told us they see a case like gibson's once every two years.

so, anxiously i held my boys hands tightly as we entered the children's hospital.

i sqeezed them tighter as i saw the happiest little girl with down syndrome walking out of the building.

and i sqeezed them tighter yet as another teenager, who also had disabilities, laughed at my crazy sons trying to wriggle free.

i made special note to remember how their hands felt in mine when we passed the entrance to the pediatric cardiovascular clinic, and i prayed for the parents who had to walk through those doors.

and as my boys were now free from my protective hands, my heart broke as a child with diabetes came in with his pump in tow.

i sat amazed that in the two minutes it took me to walk in from the parking lot, my anxiety was lessened because i realized that God was answering my 2 am plea to be faithful and not fearful by opening my eyes to all of His fearless children.

and He wasn't done.

gibson was called back for his appointment and weighed in at 37lbs and 40inches. this may sound small to the majority of the population, but for us it was a victory! he regained his spot in the 3rd percentile for height, the minimum allowed, and, wait for it....he entered into the 10th percentile for weight. climbing all the way from the 3rd percentile in february. and although he is still so small and vastly different from his peers when comparing height and weight, i was thankful and my fear was gone.

the specialist was more than pleased and again reassured us that he thinks this is directly related to his steroid use for asthma. he said he was shocked to find that gibson absolutely failed the cortisol test in february, but also said that if he were to take the cortisol test today he would be shocked if he passed, feeling like his body needed a couple more months to heal.

so there we sat. understanding that we would have to wait another three months to know God's plan. and we pray that as we wait we may be thankful and be fearless in each moment.