My Life as a Stay-At-Home Mom {One Year Later}!

*DISCLAIMER* This post is not written to debate the stay-at-home mom vs. working mom decision all women have to make.  I have done both, both are hard, and both are rewarding.  This post is written for Gibson, Elliott and Finley so that they may one day see that their mom wrestled with tough choices, that life isn't always easy, and that sometimes you have to choose the one that means the most to you.

One year ago, Elliott and I walked hand-in-hand into the CAPS administration building.  I had on my ring of courage and my librarian like glasses to shield my teary eyes.  Elliott was oblivious, but I had a stomach full of butterflies.

The last time I had walked into this building with a stomach full of butterflies was for my interview eight years earlier.

This time I walked in to turn in this letter.......

February 29, 2012

Dear Mr. Veldman,

I am writing to officially resign from the teaching position that was held for me for the 2011-2012 school year.

I am grateful for the opportunity to take a sabbatical and have discerned that returning to the classroom for the 2012-2013 school year is not the path I am being called to take. As the logistics of our adoption have been complicated and continue to become more tedious, with no end in sight, I feel that it is in the best interest of my family, and our daughter, if I solely focus on them.

It is not without a heavy heart that I write this letter as I have been blessed by my time at CAPS. Thank you for the opportunity to grow professionally and personally during my eight years at South Elementary.

Sincerely,
Theresa 

The moment of turning in my letter was not as climatic as I had dreamed... In some selfish way I had hoped there would be tears of people sad to see me go, pleas for me to stay or even a round of applause for my bravery.  But, instead it was quite anti-climatic.  The secretary said thank you, Elliott and I said goodbye to Ms. Joni in the daycare, and away we drove. {I did later receive a very nice letter from Mr. Veldman that I still have today.}

I would be lying if I said I there wasn't a small part of me that wanted to turn the mini van around, storm the administration doors and dramatically ask for my letter back. But, instead, I drove away knowing that it was the right choice.

There is an old saying that says, You can take the teacher out of the classroom, but you can't take the classroom out of the teacher.

So, on my one year anniversary of walking away from it all, I thought a good exercise of comparing and contrasting paired with some good ole' processing was appropriate.  
Oh, how I am craving some chart paper, a Venn diagram or t-chart right now, but in the world of blogger a simple list will have to suffice.

WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE STAYING AT HOME
I thought....

1. I would have LOTS of time to read books, oh how I longed to read non-education books.
2. I could now easily keep up with my house and it would always be clean.
3. I would have so much extra time for all of those projects on my list.
4. I could take naps, naps and more naps.

Reality.... I am just as busy as before, almost as tired, my house is still a mess most of the time, I have only read a few books {and it is never during the day}, the projects still await, and I have only been able to squeeze in one nap.

WHAT I MISS ABOUT THE CLASSROOM

1. Relationships with parents over the years ... {Steph, The Hunters, Cathy....I miss you!}
2. Seeing the underdog smile when they accomplished something.
3. Being able to step into the hall and chat.
4. Read alouds!!
5. Book orders.... Oh, how I loved spending my bonus points.
6. Talking the talk, being really good at something.
7. MESSA Insurance!
8. Teaching writing.
9. Chart paper.
10. Receiving notes and words of affirmation.
11. Little teacher gifts here and there.  Hey, who doesn't love a gift card or some chocolate?

WHAT I HAVE HAD TO GRIEVE 

1. My false identity.  For so long, I found my value in teaching and felt naked with out it, wondering who my true self really was.
2. A paycheck.  Again, I somehow found value in a check with my name on it.  Now, I am working just as hard, with no pay and there have been times when I have questioned my worth.
3. My plan.  It was my plan to happily retire after 25 years.  However, I realized that this was not His plan, and as confident as I was in that, I still had to grieve it.
4. Massages, going out to eat whenever we wanted, and having a mini spending spree at Target.  The cost of my choosing to stay at home was that we would now have to be on a budget.  Again, it was never a part of my plan.
5. That I was easily replaceable.  Let's face it, we all are, but it doesn't mean it wasn't a sucker punch to the gut when it become a reality.

WHAT I REJOICE IN

1. Being able to hug my boys as they get on the bus and be on the front porch when they get off.
2. Having energy for my own kids, instead of being drained my 3:30 each day by my school kids.
3. God has provided for us.  When I first told Steve I felt like I was supposed to stay home we sat on our porch and crunched the numbers and it didn't seem feasible, but it has been, and we are thankful.
4. The new relationships that have blossomed because I have more of me to give.
5. Beginning to find my true self.  I am a risk taker?  I am courageous? I am creative in other ways?  I am naturally an optimist?  Who knew?!
6. The freedom of Sunday nights!  All of the teachers out there know exactly what I mean.  Can I get an amen?   
7. Happier, healthier boys.
8. A happier, healthier husband.
9. A happier, healthier me.
10. Being able to use the restroom at anytime of the day.
11. Grabbing coffee or lunch with a friend at 9 am or 2 pm or any hour in between.
12. Not having to wear make-up on most days.
13. One pair of jeans and a few nice shirts are all my wardrobe really needs.
14. The calm that is now in our home.
15. That when one of my boys is sick, no sub plans are needed, I can just stay home and cuddle all day.
16. Being able to wear yoga pants whenever I want.
17. The luxury of being able to say, I don't think this is working for our family.

Has it been smooth sailing and easy ever since that rainy day one year ago? 

Oh my lands NO.

Have I for one minute regretted my decision? 

Not once!

Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path.

Steve Jobs

One Word: Believe

A new year.

A new word.

A new start.

Truth be told, I loved my One Word for 2012 so much I really didn't want to pick a new word.  I have a love/hate relationship with change, and I kinda think I rocked True last year.  

Why fix it, if it ain't broken? 

What if the word I came up with for 2013 was a floozy kinda word? You know, just a word for the sake of a word.

What if the word I came up with ended up flopping, irrelevant and weak?

What if?  {insert swift blow to head from the Holy Spirit}  

What if I put myself aside, and let God come up with my word?  A novel idea, I know.

With that swift blow to the head, I waited. 

And waited.

Until, God gave me my word for the next year as I was walking in to Finley's bedroom.

Button Credit

I sat in the rocking chair in her room, thinking about this new word. Dokimozo-ing it. Trying to determine if it was really from God.

I tested it against other words. Beautiful. Hope. Happy.  

I just sat with it, swaying with empty arms.

I looked up it's meaning.

be·lieve

 [bih-leev] verb, be·lieved, be·liev·ing.

verb

1.  to have confidence in the truth

2.  to accept something as true

Oh. Dear. 

With this I knew.  

For one year God challenged me to discover my trueself, to be true to myself, to be true to others, and to identify all that is pure and true, leaving behind all that was not.

Now, in this new year, God is saying, You thought I was done? {insert chuckle} Now it is time for you to BELIEVE in all that is true.

Ugh!

I was comfortable.

Now God is pushing me back into the tension.

He is challenging me to shift my thinking from knowing what is true to believing what is true.

And, for a recovering cynic like myself, that is no small task.

He is asking me to open my hands ever more and to believe in what I have found to be true.

To believe that we will be provided for.

To believe that I am beautiful.

To believe that I am worth it.

To believe that the world is broken.

To believe in redemption.

To believe in the Hope.

One Word: True

                                                                                                                        *photo credit

One little word.

One big impact?

The challenge? To pick one word and focus on that one word for the next year.

Now, I am a wordy girl.  I like to be able to explain myself and keep my options open.  So, to pick one word was tough for me.  It didn't just come to me and I didn't have one in the back of my mind, so I waited.

And, finally, as I was loading the dishwasher God gave me the word he wanted me to focus on this year.

True.

I know, I thought the same thing.  Is true a word that is even eligible for the one word challenge?

Does it even apply?

Is it a adjective? a verb?

The longer I let the word true twirl around in my head, the more it made sense to me.

True. 

This is my word. How do I let this one word lead me in this new year?

I am now more than ever being called to find my true self.  How did God create me? What are my genuine and one of a kind gifts? How can I realize and bring honor to the masterpiece I was knitted to be? God shaped me and formed me and placed me right here for right now.  How can I be true to his plan?

As I seek my true self, I also want to be true to myself.  I long to be real and authentic, and I long to be true in sharing my story as a part of a bigger picture. 

I also long be true in my relationships.  To be steadfast, loyal and faithful to my family and to those I am in community with.

I want to live in all of the ways that are truely important.  This year I want to focus on what really matters.  I want to simplify, love well and devote my energy to all that is true.

And, finally I am being called to identify what is pure and true and what is not.  For so long, I have believed so many lies.  I believed {and still do in most cases...especially on a bad day} that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worthy, that I was not beautiful.  And, this year is the year to call out what is pure and true, identify all that is not and call it by name.

As I sent my word to Katie she immediately responded with, Philippians 4:8

                                       *verse credit

It was affirmation that this is my one word that can make a big difference in my life.

If you had to pick one word, what would it be?

I encourage you to give it some thought and possibly link up here:

{I would also love it if you left your word in my comments!}

The Lettered Cottage

One Word 365

I've been P{inspired}...

It was approximately three months ago that my life changed forever.... 

After a couple email invites from Katie, I finally logged on and signed in to see what this Pinterest was all about, and it was love at first sight! 

Now 547 pins later, I can say without a doubt, that what started as a mere fling filled with little substance, has now blossomed into a full blown love affair.

And here are the Top 5 Reasons why I love Pinterest.

1. It stimulates both my left brain and  my right brain at the same time.  The left side of my brain is pleased with the nice and neatly organized structure of Pinterest, and the right side of my brain dances with joy each time I see something new and creative. It's the best of both worlds, creative and logical, all at the same time.

2. There is a place to find everything. And, I mean everything.  If you're looking for a pair of boots and where to buy them...pinterest it.   If you are looking for a new recipe to try...pinterest it.  If you are looking for outfits to wear for family pictures....pinterest it.  If you want to know how to make homemade Mod Podge....pinterest it.  If you have no idea what Mod Podge is but want to find a craft to make with it.... yep, you guessed it, pinterest it.  I can almost say I like it better than Google, because with each search there's a picture. Who knew?

3. Fun with friends. What can I say, I am a girl who loves community and there is no better virtual place to find it than Pinterest.  It's like taking one long shopping trip with your best friends.

4. It's Real. Most pins are from real people, leading real lives. 

5. It's P{inspiring}. I cannot tell you how many times I have been to Hobby Lobby since I was introduced to Pinterest.  I have never been so motivated to craft, and it's all thanks to Pinterest.

Since I started my pinning journey I have made,
 

 T.V. Tickets

P{inspiration}

Not just 1 Topiary....

but 2 Topiaries
P{inspiration}

 A Memory Jar
P{inspiration}
 

A Letter {H}

P{inspiration}

A 'Store me I'm Important' Clipboard 
{one for each boy}
P{inspiration}

A Peanut Butter 'Cheese Ball'

P{inspiration}

and...Clean Eating Fried Rice
P{inspiration}

 

How have you been P{inspired}?

Glory.

The women's Pursuit of Wholeness retreat has long been a voice in the distance calling my name. The Holy Spirit was continuously nudging me to go, but I kept ignoring His call.  

Residing deep within me was an immense fear of going.  A fear of not being good enough, a fear of the unknown, and the fear of being found out.  These fears stood in my way for many years.

Excuse after excuse would keep me from the retreat I knew my heart truly longed for. 


When I finally summoned the courage to go, I went hesitantly.


I pledged to let my true self shine through and to be open to hearing God but remained uncertain that my story would be good enough, that I would be good enough.    


With reservation, on the twenty third day of September, I entered into the place I had avoided for so long and simply let go. 

I let go of the preconceived notion that I would be judged. I let go of certainty and control, understanding and fear. I let go of the me I thought I was and opened up the box I had so neatly kept God inside of. 

For the first time, I was fully present and ready to hear what God was trying to tell me.


And, it was in this new, uncharted territory of authenticity that God surprised me in a way I had never expected.



As soon as the doors to restoration and healing swung open, I realized that God had carefully orchestrated this sacred time.  He was at work, and had been at work my entire life to prepare me for this step in my journey, meticulously weaving every detail of my redemption.


I had been around God my whole life, and I had never realized how he works, that He is a worker. He is hard at work at all times, in each and every one of us, in such an intricate way.
 
In awe, I marveled that it was my time to be there, my moment. Even more captivating to me was the fact that it was not just my moment, but the moment of each and every woman on the trip as well .  

Our stories were connected, interwoven and used in ways beyond our comprehension. God had planned our meeting. He was working to redeem all of our stories although we were so vastly different.


He had chosen every single person for this trip, we had been hand-picked specifically by Him. 
God was redeeming us and in order to bring that redemption, he was busy at work in us.

He had ordained it all, he was in every morsel of food and every word of conversation.  He was in a warm cup of tea and the tears rolling down my face.  He was in every breath we took and every story we told.

God did not rest, and He will never stop pursuing us because He loves us. He is the worker I never knew Him to be.

Grace and Peace.

Big E Takes to the Soccer Field

For two years now, Elliott has patiently stood on the

soccer sidelines, cheering his brother on.

 In rain, rain and more rain he has taken in each and every soccer practice and game.

He has patiently waited for his turn and has never complained,

knowing that his day would eventually come.

Yesterday, the day he has been waiting for had finally arrived.

It was now his turn to hit the soccer field, his turn to show the world

the soccer skills he has been perfecting in the front yard and his imagination.

It was his turn to shine.

And, shine he did,

smiling the entire time.

He was cool, he was confident,

and he was tickled pink to have his own cheering section.

He was as proud as a peacock and loving life.

"Go Rangers!"

For the first time....

For the first time, Gibson was the only member of this party of four

to get ready for school.

For the first time, I walked my son to the bus stop and proudly

watched him get on the bus.

 

For the first time, hand-in-hand, Elliott and I walked back home to spend the

first of many days alone together.

 

For the first time, the only student I had on my mind at dinner was 

my excited first grader.

For the first time, the first day of school was peaceful, free of anxiety

and filled with joy.

For the first time, I knew without lingering doubt or questioning, that at this time, I am exactly where I need to be.

Elliott: A reminder of who you have always been

*as inspired by this post

My Elliott Drew,

You are a passionate boy!  You know what you love, and you love it well.  You live life to it's fullest and take charge.  Your passion drives you to do things that I am amazed by.  You dive off of the diving board without help.  You nail the baseball into the neighbor's yard without flinching.  If you love something, you will figure out how to conqure it.

Beyond your passion for life, you are a selfless lover of others. You say peoples names when no one else does.  It is not just Goodbye for you. It is Goodbye Sarah, Goodbye Parker.  You remember that everyone is unique and you value that.   You are genuinely happy when others succeed, cheering them on along the way. 

You are a thinker.  You know the difference between a good choice and a bad choice and will go against the grain to do what is right.  You are bold and courageous and will stand up for what you believe in, even if you are the only one.  We were recently at church and a boy that had been "bullying"  you, your brother and your friend, and who was bigger than you, came up to you and stood right in your face.  With a look of fierce determination in your face, you just shoved him.  And although, I was not thrilled you chose to push the kid, I am proud that you stood up for what was right.

Creativity and wit flow through you naturally.  You are a creator and your creations bring smiles to people on a daily basis. Your wit has us cracking up at the dinner table, giggling at bedtime, and snickering in the car. You make people laugh, and spread joy with your sheer silliness.

....and your hugs, your genuine embrace is so wonderful and pure that people specifically ask for an elliott hug. Your hugs remind people that all is well in the world and that a warm embrace can make a person's day.  While others are afraid to show love, you don't give it a second thought.

Elliott Drew, I love you and pray that you may always remember who you have always been.

I love you to the moon,

Mama

Gibson: A reminder of who you have always been

 *as inspired from this post

My Gibson Jack,

You are bold and courageous! You attack life and do so without fear.  You crave to be around people, to laugh and to live in community.  What others would see as a risk, you see as an opportunity.  You do flips off the diving board, flip turns in the pool and hand springs in the basement, all without a single moment of hesitation.  You are even working up the courage to join in a break dancing session with the Holland Street performers.

Even more amazing than your raw athleticism, is your soft and tender heart.  You have a way to understand people's hurt.  As you noticed me crying in the car the other day you took the time to ask if I was ok, knew intuitively that my heart was aching for our baby, and reassured me that it would be okay.  You sense when people are in pain and gravitate toward them, loving them all of the way.

You are an amazing big brother and cousin.  Each time Sawyer enters the room your voice changes to show your excitement and you greet him with the most loving welcome, letting him know that he's a pretty cool kid and you are glad he's around.  You have held baby Sloane more than all of us combined and each time you grab her she melts into your arms, knowing you are safe. 

Curiosity and wonder flow through you naturally.  You question and ponder everything, always looking for the how and the why things are the way they are.  You search for truth, never ceasing until you find it.

...and that laugh, your pure laugh. It has remained unchanged for all these years.  It comes from the depths of your belly and radiates a room, spreading your intense love of life to all who hear it.

Gibson Jack, I love you and pray that you may always remember who you have always been.

I love you to the moon,

Mom

Discovering my True Self

Nine and a half months ago my friends and I embarked on a journey.  It began as a journey with the simple goal of getting our mom bodies a little less mom-ish.  It was a way for us to connect outside of our kids and make time for that person inside of us that often gets blurred between our mom and wife selves.

Little did I know that the pure act of putting twenty dollars in a mason jar would change me so profoundly.

As we began our workout challenge, we naturally started to notice what we expected.  Our energy was increasing. Our clothes fit better than they had in years, and we were feeling more confident than we had felt in quite some time.  

What we didn't expect was that after the dust had settled, exercise became less of a chore and more of a part of our life style. Our journey had become much more than winning the money in the mason jar.  The money didn't matter any more.  We didn't need it to keep going.  We were doing it all on our own, because we knew we could. We began to push ourselves to do things we had never done before.  Through this I began to realize an undiscovered and untapped part of myself that I didn't know was there. I became aware of the possibilities.  I realized that somewhere deep inside of me was a strong woman.   

Not a single one of us anticipated what this journey would have in store for us, and we had no idea how it would change us. 

We often refer to this last year as Year 31.  The year that we all learned something new about ourselves. 

For each of us, the theme of this past year has looked a little bit different.  It was the year of saying yes, the year of living intentionally, the year of giving and choosing life. 

For me, Year 31, was about becoming aware of the possibilities. A year to discover that there may be more to me than just being a mom, a wife and a teacher.  A year to prepare me for the journey to come.

As September 14th quickly approaches and year 31 comes to a close, I look forward to Year 32, the year that I discover my true self.  The year that I discover who I have always been and who God intends me to be.

I am profoundly grateful for this journey.  It is softening the parts of my heart that have been hardened by the world.  It is challenging me to pursue wholeness.  It is a blessing.

I am even more grateful for the dear friends who on December 6th, 2010 agreed to put twenty dollars in a jar.  Dear friends who say yes and challenge me to grow. 

Kt, Kmac and Bethany, thank you!  I love you dearly and cannot wait to see what Year 32 has is store.

Every now and then...

Every now and then there comes a time when you have to shed your grown-up image. A time when you have to set your pride aside, deny all logic and ignore a life long supply of common sense. 

Every now and then there comes a time when you do something you were too afraid to try as a kid, but now, want nothing more than to conquer.

Every now and then there comes a time.....

....when you try over and over and over again to do a front flip while pretending you are the daring 7 year old you never had the courage to be.

Every now and then there comes a time when you look like this....

...in front of your family and closest friends, and you don't mind that...

 {a} you look this way, and

 {b} there is hysterical laughter each time you don't quite make a full rotation.

Every now and then there comes a time when you let go of all reservation, fail miserably while doing so, and still smile at the end of the day, because for first time in a long time that you swam like you were a kid again.