For this Child I have Prayed

It was 1,343 days ago that God placed adoption on our hearts.  Elliott was 1, Gibson was 3.  Steve and I had been married for 5 years. We were nervous yet filled with passion about the possibility of bringing an orphan into our home.  I cried tears of compassion on most days during this time.  Daily, I would read blogs telling of adoption stories, and daily my heart would just ache for the 135 million orphans in the world. 

For the 480 days that followed, we prayed.  We prayed for clarity, to sift through the feelings of passion we were experiencing and to discern if they were pure and from God.  And, we prayed for direction, that we would know, through faith, the way in which we were being called. 

It was 863 days ago that we knew, without a doubt, that God was calling us to a baby in South Korea. 

For the 90 days that followed, we officially began the adoption process and journeyed in depth into our home, our family and our relationships.   With our hearts filled with joy and anticipation, we wrote essays, answered questions, and revealed all of our secrets to Homeland Security. 


773 days ago, the day we had worked for had arrived. Our Home Study was officially sent to South Korea, marking the monumental day in which the wait for our child began.

Our wait that was predicted to take anywhere from  480-540 days has far been exceeded, and is not yet close to being over.  

1 day ago, I found out via an impersonal e-mail blast that 3 referrals were made through our agency in the month of September, 3 referrals that went to families other than ours.   

With this news, I felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me as I stood frozen in the streets of Grand Rapids, wondering why we weren't one of the 3 families.

Reality sank in, as I now knew that the next possible time for a referral would be in January. 

Yet through all of these feelings I was able hold onto what is true.


God has ordained this adoption.

He is in control. 

He is holding our child in the palm of His hands.

It is God who will orchestrate our meeting, in His perfect timing. 

It is purely by God's grace that we were called to adopt and purely by His grace that we can continue to wait.

Steve and I have often asked each other at different times, If you had to do it over again, would you still choose this?

And each time our responses are the same, Without a doubt!

This is our resounding answer because in all reality, we didn't choose this, God did, He called us to this journey .


Those who have been called to something can understand. There are not words to describe it. It is just what you were called to do. 

Is it difficult? Yes.  

Does it make sense? No.  

Is it logical? Not even close.

So, here on this 1,344th day of our adoption journey, we continue to wait with trusting and faithful hearts.

There are many tears and indescribable feelings of longing that will remain until we hold our baby, but we rest today and in the days to come in God's timing and His grace.

Glory.

The women's Pursuit of Wholeness retreat has long been a voice in the distance calling my name. The Holy Spirit was continuously nudging me to go, but I kept ignoring His call.  

Residing deep within me was an immense fear of going.  A fear of not being good enough, a fear of the unknown, and the fear of being found out.  These fears stood in my way for many years.

Excuse after excuse would keep me from the retreat I knew my heart truly longed for. 


When I finally summoned the courage to go, I went hesitantly.


I pledged to let my true self shine through and to be open to hearing God but remained uncertain that my story would be good enough, that I would be good enough.    


With reservation, on the twenty third day of September, I entered into the place I had avoided for so long and simply let go. 

I let go of the preconceived notion that I would be judged. I let go of certainty and control, understanding and fear. I let go of the me I thought I was and opened up the box I had so neatly kept God inside of. 

For the first time, I was fully present and ready to hear what God was trying to tell me.


And, it was in this new, uncharted territory of authenticity that God surprised me in a way I had never expected.



As soon as the doors to restoration and healing swung open, I realized that God had carefully orchestrated this sacred time.  He was at work, and had been at work my entire life to prepare me for this step in my journey, meticulously weaving every detail of my redemption.


I had been around God my whole life, and I had never realized how he works, that He is a worker. He is hard at work at all times, in each and every one of us, in such an intricate way.
 
In awe, I marveled that it was my time to be there, my moment. Even more captivating to me was the fact that it was not just my moment, but the moment of each and every woman on the trip as well .  

Our stories were connected, interwoven and used in ways beyond our comprehension. God had planned our meeting. He was working to redeem all of our stories although we were so vastly different.


He had chosen every single person for this trip, we had been hand-picked specifically by Him. 
God was redeeming us and in order to bring that redemption, he was busy at work in us.

He had ordained it all, he was in every morsel of food and every word of conversation.  He was in a warm cup of tea and the tears rolling down my face.  He was in every breath we took and every story we told.

God did not rest, and He will never stop pursuing us because He loves us. He is the worker I never knew Him to be.

Grace and Peace.

Martha? Mary? Both?

Y esterday I embarked on a journey with two dear friends.  A journey that promises to be...a 31 day faith step journey towards ruling, subduing, and loving...forgoing perfection...choosing life.  Yesterday we began, 31 days to Clean: Having a Martha House the Mary Way.

Katie discovered this treasure and invited us along for the ride.  Each day there is a Mary Challenge and a Martha challenge.  One is designed to encourage and engage your heart and the other challenges you to a specific cleaning task.

Today's focus was on giving life.

The Mary Challenge: ...What can you do today to bring life to your home, your children, your husband and your sphere of influence?

The Martha Challenge: Clean out and scrub down the refrigerator and freezer...
 
Some of the results of a day focused on giving life. 

The Mary way...

 and the Martha way...

It's only day two, and I am already thankful.  Day three, here we come.

What have I been up to?

W hat have I been up to lately? {as inspired by this post}

• Swimming. For twenty-two straight weeks now I have spent my Friday mornings at our local pool swimming lap after lap, rhythmically and methodically, cutting through the water and finding much relief from the stressful week. 
• Running. I know! Who knew?  I am such an unlikely runner.  Asthma. Pigeon toed. Habitual self doubter. But with the help of a great running partner and dear friend, I was able to put one foot in front of the other yesterday and pound out 5.27 miles. It has become a spiritual journey for me.  Just me and my Jesus one step at a time.
• In search of Quality Time. I recently sat in a staff meeting and listened to shocking statistics regarding today's children and the vast difference in quality time spent with them compared to ten years ago.  It stopped me dead in my tracks as I thought of all the times I was checking my phone or yes, even facebook, when I should have been spending quality time with my boys.  So we reprioritized.  We now focus fully on our boys from the time we pick them up until bedtime.  No cell phones, no internet, no reading the mail.  It's just us time. And my favorite part of this is that we now all read bedtime books together.  Before it was one of us reading while the other picked up, but now we are all snuggled together going on adventures with Ms. Frizzle, trying to find Knuffle Bunny, and laughing at Splat the Cat.
• Trying to love well. God has been stretching me this year. And in His stretching, I have come to realize that I am quite a hypocrite.  I expect others to love me wholly and completely, regardless of my flaws, but only offer my love with conditions.  And Steve has been the recipient of the large majority of this judgemental love for quite sometime.  So, I am starting with him and loving him well without criticism or control.  It's a daily battle that I often fail at, but I am hoping to grow.
• Reading. Slowly but surely, I am making my way through the first book of the Hunger Games Series and loving it.  These books are all the rage with my fifth graders, and I have heard nothing but rave reviews from adults alike. If you are looking for a good read, you can borrow mine if you'd like.  I should wrap them up quickly sometime after June 10th.

So there you have it. Nothing too monumental, but it's me, in this moment, right here, right now.

How about you? What have you been up to?

Faith of a Child

Death seems to be a recurring theme in our house.  It is nothing the boys are afraid of, they just speak of it and Heaven often.  For instance, they will often say, Mom, will you be dead when I am a grandpa? or Elliott, I get to go to Heaven first because I am older.

It sounds horrible to speak of, but I find their assurance of God's promise of an eternal life comforting.

Tonight, however, our dinner table conversation took a twist it has never taken before.  I think the conversation started with Gibson asking if he would be alive in 1,000 years or would he be in Heaven.  He then out of the blue asked, Where do people go if they don't go to Heaven?  To which I promptly looked at Steve and gave him the 'that's all you' look.

Steve in a very eloquent, kid friendly way explained Heaven and hell, God and satan and said that the only way to Heaven is to believe Jesus died for our sins.

They both nodded nonchalantly as if to say that it was a no brainer when Elliott piped up and said, hell would be so bo-wing.

And Gibson then changed the subject to tomatoes...because when you have the faith of a child no further explanation is needed. 

Love those boys.  All three of them.

small group love

for years steve and i would walk in and out of church without saying more than a hello to people. we craved a church community, prayed for a church community, but didn't actively pursue it, which, by the way doesn't greatly improve your chances.

God answered our prayers last year, when i ran into a familiar face at a teacher's conference. an old college classmate who was gracious enough to ask if we had a small group and invited us into his.

for the past year we have been blessed by this wonderful group of people who have celebrated what is good, trudged through the bad and loved us despite all that is ugly in us.

we are thankful and love every single one of you.