happy.

The boys have been spending lots of time in their fort lately. 

 

They say it is to trade cards, watch a movie, or read books; but if I were to guess their secret, I think they are spending so much time in there to get away from the new two year old in their lives.

 

The last three weeks have been filled to the brim with change, both welcomed and unwelcomed.

 

We have all been wading through the brutiful journey of bringing Finley home, and it has all of us sorting through our new normal... one secret{a new tradition of telling what is truly on our hearts} at a time.

 

This morning, I found this......

 

Gibson, Elliott and Finley all playing together in the fort.

 



They were enjoying each other,

and acting all shades of goofy.

 

Each one of my kids was happy.



and, so was I.

Gotcha Day and Beyond.

Finley is here!

I am sitting next to her as she sleeps soundly in our bed.

Her lips are pursed, perfectly closed.  One hand is on her Daddy's arm, and her little feet are crossed.

I am pinching myself that she is truly ours.

I keep looking at her in awe, trying to capture every last bit of her.  

I look at her little nose, her gorgeous black hair, tiny little fingernails and just thank God for her.

She has struggled the last two days, crying big crocodile tears and silently weeping.

Each time she lets us comfort her, but as she goes to the door, searching for her Oma, her little heart is just breaking.

Each time she woke up with us she wept again, realizing that she wasn't dreaming, that her life is now different.

Yesterday, we celebrated her first wake up that included a great big smile.

Each day she smiles more, gives us longer kisses, and holds us in a new way.

The wait was long.

The pain often seemed unbearable.

But, as I write this, on this beautiful morning in Seoul, I wonder...

Why us??

How did we get so lucky?

Why, out of all of the people in this world, were we chosen to for this journey?

The answers to this, we will never know on this side of heaven, but for now, I will sit in AWE of God's great plan for our Party of Five.

For I would not trade an ounce of brutal for the beautiful that was laced throughout and that is now before me.

.......................................................

Gibson and Elliott,

You have been so brave throughout this entire journey.  The smile on your faces as you met your baby sister last night made my mama's heart so proud.  You both are such amazing big brothers, and Finley loves you already.  The picture she carries around of her brudders, is crinkled and worn...showing just how much you mean to her.

Here are some pictures of your baby sister.  She reminds us of both of you, in so many different ways!

We love you to Seoul and back!

Mama, Daddy and Finley

........................................................

We were blessed to meet Finley's sponsor.  A Korean adoptee from Indiana.

Finley's foster mom giving us many, many treasures of Finley's two years with her.

This little boy is Finley's best friend.

Finley's two moms.

Finley's last check up.  She is one healthy girl.

Saying bye-bye to all of her friends.

Gibson and Elliott, hold onto your hats, because you have one little girl headed your way.

A painful goodbye.........

that got even more painful.....

A long sleep after a rough day.

Finally some precious Finley smiles. 

Someone loves her Opa!

And.... we're headed out.  We all needed some fresh air!

She just melts my heart.

over and over again.

Two tired girls.

And, after a good nap, we are starting to see our happy Finley Grace.

Gibson and Elliott.... she stole my coke!!!

Somebody thought she was ready for the pool... until she got there...

A glimpse of pure joy!

Gotcha Day Eve

When I was pregnant with Gibson I measured time by the expiration date on the milk jug.

Each week, as I would do my grocery shopping, I would check the gallon of milk I was buying relieved that the expiration date was well before my January 8th due date.

Then, as life always does, time marched on and one day the milk jug read, Jan 08 '05.

I remember looking around the store that day, saying to myself,

 It's okay Theresa.  Look around, everyone here has a mother, they were all born.  It is going to be okay.  You can do this.  You have to do this.

I was terrified.

I had never given birth before.  I had no idea how to be a mom.

And, before January 8th ever made it's appearance, I had done it.

I had given birth.

I was a mom.

It was not how I had planned it, but it happened, and my life had more depth and meaning than it had ever had before.

Now, eight and a half years later, on the eve of Finley's gotcha day, I sit with those same feelings I felt in the grocery store so many years ago.

My heart is heavy. I am scared, nervous about what tomorrow is going to bring.

I spent most of dinner crying, unable to eat.

You see, tomorrow isn't like the childbirth I experienced for the first time so many years ago.

Tomorrow won't just be about me and Steve and our new baby.

Tomorrow is about me and Steve and Gibson and Elliott.  It's about Finley.  It's about her foster mom and her foster dad and her entire foster family.  It's about her birth mother.  It's about life and loss, brokenness and redemption.

It is about a room full of people who have loved Finley with their whole hearts and will all have experienced great loss.

Tomorrow, instead of being a day of pure joy and celebration, will be a day of immense grief.

Tonight, Finley's foster mom is tucking her in for the last time.

I would rather endure seventeen hours of labor with pitocin and no epidural, than have her experience that heartache.

But, the thing about living in this broken world is that I can't.  I can't take away the pain, the hurt.

The only thing I can do is step into it.

And, that is exactly what I will do.  I will step into the grief and the heartache of tomorrow knowing that in order for healing to begin, the deep sadness must be felt, wrestled with and sat in.

I will hold my daughter tightly, praying that one day when I tell her this part of her story, she will know she was chosen and loved.... by each and every person in that room.

More Than The Eye Can Hold

It seems that many of life's most important moments often seem a blur.

That hind sight isn't 20/20, and as much as we try capture the memories of these moments, they are fleeting.

It was only seventeen days ago that we met Finley Grace for the first time.

While our memories are still fresh, our time with her was a blur.

Until today.

Today, we received a priceless gift from another adoptive mama, who without our knowing, was snapping pictures of our first moments with our Finley Grace.

A stranger, who knew that the scene playing out before her, was bigger than our eyes could hold.

A stranger, who captured these magical moments through her lens.

A view we will cherish forever, for they tell the story of the first time we laid eyes on our daughter...

Amanda.

THANK YOU!

Isn't it amazing how a person who was once a stranger, can suddenly, without warning, mean the world to you.

~unknown

The Amazing Race: Finley Edition

I have long wanted to be on The Amazing Race.  

We watch it often with the boys.  We decide who would do which challenge, watch excitedly as the participants travel to new places, and cringe with each wrong step.

Since arriving in Seoul, I told Steve it reminds me a bit of the amazing race. There are very few English speaking people here, we have no idea what we are eating, we have been jumping in and out of cabs, doing lots of hand gesturing, and saying Kamsamida while bowing more times than we can count.

Yesterday, however, Steve and I truly found ourselves in our very own Amazing Race.

Finley's foster mom graciously invited us to Finley's Gymboree class to participate with her.

We were excited to see her one final time before we leave Seoul.  So excited that we arrived at the said meeting place two hours early to ensure we knew we could find it.

Right before our meeting time, we settled into the Gymboree, breathing a sigh of relief that the time was almost here. 

My Mama's heart was bursting with happiness as I realized Finley had been coming to such a wonderful class.

The happiness continued as I took pictures for Finley to remember this part of her story.

Suddenly, as the clock struck 2:30 and there was no sight of Finley Grace, our hearts sank.

Something had gotten lost in translation.

The nice Gymboree lady said that there was no Ji- Eun that attended there and gave us three other spots in the 9 story mall to check.

As I went as fast as possible, in a packed Asian mall, to each location. Steve tried to find WiFi to search something...

My search only left me with an intense longing for my baby girl and a brief moment of tears.

Steve's search left him realizing that there are 25 Gymborees in Seoul.

As Steve continued to put the pieces together of the little bits of information we had, I channeled my inner Katie {who is brilliant in times of crisis} and went back to the Gymboree lady and asked her if she could search all Gymborees in Seoul and see if she could find which one Finley was at.

She found her! 

Finley was at a Gymboree an hour across town.... {insert more tears}

I asked if she could call there and explain the situation to Finley's foster mom and ask her to wait. 

She graciously did, wrote down the address in which we were to go, and wished us luck.

I ran back to Steve, told him the ugly/beautiful news and he said,

I haven't fought this long and hard for Finley to give up now.                                                          {insert me falling in love with him even more}

We ran down the escalator, hailed the first cab we saw, giving him this address, and prayed it was the correct spot.

We calmed our frazzled nerves....

And settled in for an hour cab ride, hoping that Phil from The Amazing Race wouldn't be at the end, tellin us in his lovely accent, Steve and Theresa, I am sorry, but you are the last contestants to arrive and you have been eliminated from the race.

By the grace of God, we did find the right spot, I completely hugged Finley's foster mom {Koreans don't hug, but I couldn't help it}  and she then invited us to lunch.

The Gymboree lady came along to translate, and we got to share the most valuable time with Finley and her foster mom.

Her foster mom, gave us an album of Finley's one year pictures and a magazine the Finley modeled in when she was 7 months old!  To an adoptive Mama these treasures of the time we missed with Finley are priceless! And , to Finley someday they we be of even greater value.

She asked if we thought she would fit well in our family and if we could send her lots and lots of pictures. 

She asked if we could bring her back someday when she is grown, so she can have the hope of seeing her again.

And, through tears she said that she can tell we are wonderful parents, and she is glad Finley gets to have us {tears all around the table}

Although we would love to have missed all of the drama of the day, we are thankful, because if we had not had it we may have missed this precious time with Finley and her foster mom.

..................... 

Dear Elliott, Gibson and Finley,

Here are some pictures of our time in Korea yesterday.

This morning we are missing each and every one of you, more than you ever may know. 

Please know than we love you more than anything, and that we would go on any amazing race to find each one of you!  

Love, 

Daddy and Mama

P.s. Finley, you called me Oma! ......... So blessed to me your Oma

..........................  

{Finley loves to wink:)}

{Finley is laughing at Daddy}

{Our meal....yes, we each got one of these and yes, we all of it?!}

{Finley LOVES noodles}

{The last time we will see Finley, we told her we loved her and gave her a kiss on the cheek from her brothers..}